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camo303xvp
2 815 M Little Steps
Snuf puffs :3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts142 Forum posts72 Forum upvotes111 Current upvotes111 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 13, 2025
Bio

19 y.o. transgender male

diagnoses = ASD, CPTSD, anorexia nervosa

issues = extremely low self-esteem, cannabis addiction, internet addiction, emotional dysregulation, unhealthy obsession with typology labels, very long complicated messed up childhood (Im new to this forum Idk if i should swear or not), very disorganised, very confused and aimless, massive trust issues, unemployed

location = NE england

stuff I like = old video games, Reddit, journalling, Moomins (Snufkin is my idol), adidas, red bull, Wikipedia, morbid curiosity, enneagram, 80s/90s/2000s in general, vague interest in spirituality, I want to get into obscure horror fiction but I cant be bothered, I want a bicycle because I love cycling very much but Idk what to spend all my trust fund money on


Recent forum posts
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Mummy I need you
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 3 days ago
...See more In my most distressed most overwhelmed moments in public nothing will help me. Not even colouring or a cigarette or a calm quiet place or breathing mantras. Nothing. Except you, my true mother. I love to suck your comforting digital bossoms, the only thing that will truly comfort me (with a price: typology tests killing my ego). Yet another trans-typal ***-up. Too distracted by the colouring to notice the bus to the location I was desperate to go to yet was only accessible by an infrequent bus. I ended up in some *** location instead, regretting it. I WANT BRAIN SURGERY RIGHT NOW TO ALTER MY PERSONALITY FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER Thigs that elicit type envy: falling asleep in public, zoning out, eating slowly and struggling to finish a meal, having beliefs like romance is bad love is just a chemical reaction, having access to a much broader range of drugs, non-narcissistic philosophical talk Things that trigger type dysphoria: "calm down" "let other people past" "the world doesn't revolve around you" What am I even trying to achieve by becoming more like my ideal self? I know it won't have any positive consequences, if anything negative consequences. It's more of a self-actualisation thing than anything, then according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs why would that be more important than all of the others? Every nanosecond of this outing was just pure agony. The shops made me cringe the dumb ugly af singers made me cringe, all these people made me cringe.  A dinosaur. Behind the times and out of the loop. Too sensor for generation Z but too intuitive for older generations. As a geordie, I find southern england accents to be rather annoying. I've noticed that northerners just somehow always act entirely way differently to their southern counterparts (well generally speaking, there may be a few exceptions Idk), and I prefer more of the former than the lattter. Sometimes I get a sense of envy whenever listening to a more northern accent, am I really that [insert whatever the *** it is I find desirable and attractive in myself, not necessarily a certain accent for crying out loud] or am I just someone that wants to be that way but isn't? But nor am I saying I would *** on someone just because they're from the other end of the country. I would still want to respect everyone. Everything that triggers negative emotions in myself (it could be anger, hatred, intimidation, discomfort, dread, unease) I also happen to get very offended if others accuse me of being that way (such as children screaming, religious nuts, accents I don't like, typology types I don't want to be, music I hate, etc). Even everything that used to be otherwise meaningful to me is making me cringe. Getting high in countryside journalling about my dreams at night and everything makes me cringe. Typology makes me cringe. 
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I am so ESFJ 2w8 EFVL way more than any other 2025 being (trans typal)
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 3 days ago
...See more The truth hurts. And by "hurt" I mean far far more than just a blood test at the doctor's or something. It feels more like burning your tongue with extremely hot food or something. The fact you are so hyper-aware of your surroundings meanwhile everyone is more abstracted than you are, and not to mention emotionally composed if not more emotionless to begin with, hurts so much, you're so so so so so ESFP 4w3 EIE in comparison. I am in so much pain that even death would be more preferable. I am in so much pain that even the most torturous possible "catholic ***" if it exists would be more preferable. My life will only get more and more unbearable as time goes on, more and more people will see me as a fat and curvy voluptuous hysterical childish sex toy (no matter how much they claim otherwise) rather than a lad or a smart alec or a stoner or something. Some random stranger in the bus station approached me and asked me if I wanted a shag, not the first time I've had a dodgy encounter with weirdos in public in the same location, I suspect I'm being stalked. You can't convince a transgender or non-binary person to just "accept" their birth sex. Me typing as something that just does not feel like a correct enough "fit" enough for my ego (and the "further away" it is from my ideal self the more psychological anguish I experience) is like a transgender person being misgendered, or an anorexic gaining weight. It's basically an attack on identity, resulting in significant distress. I may long for type reassignment surgery, but even then if that were the case if it were even feasible, there would still be a major chunk of me that opposes it due to the poser principle (fake is ugly, real is pretty), leaving me in a state of indecision confusion and eventually inertia from decision paralysis. I get so triggered by the "courage" sort of comments that are supposed to be compliments but always do the complete opposite. "Courage" implies that I act without thinking, eg I let it all out completely oblivious to the potential negative consequences, which I do not want to have. Even though I greatly envy those that are more loud and energetic and athletic than I am, there is something just so extremely inherently embarrassing about being cognitively extraverted sensor but mistyping as introverted. If all these cisgender women are closeted transgender males then how on earth do they tolerate such distress? Guess I'm so ESFJ in comparison, part of the minority that have the impulsivitity to actually *** complain.
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EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE INTP 5W9 THAN I AM IM SO SEFI IN COMPARISON
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 Thursday
...See more I am the only one screaming their balls off like a *** child, everyone else doesn't care or doesn't even notice in the *** first place. More apathy, less awareness of surroundings THAT IS HOW I WANT TO BE I identify as trans-typal and I long for type reassignment surgery
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Slugbots
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 Thursday
...See more God how I *** hate being described as "courageous" for sharing my long complicated past to the internet because it goes to show how impulsive I am (and how that contradicts how I would like to be). It's not out of bravery, it's out of a desperate need to get my voice heard because I don't have elsewhere to run to (my brother abandoned me and I am permanently suspended from Reddit) not to mention how I am cognitively extraverted by being this lonely (ENTP = okay, ESFX = bad bad bad bad bad I would rather die its far too egodystontic for me to accept) every time I leave the house I feel inferior to everyone. quickly overstimulated. Feeling so uncomfortable.  I must be skinny. I must have fluffy hair. I must be an emotional blank state. I must be introverted or some combination, not necessarily all at the same time but as long as Im not the complete opposite of all of those etc etc etc my slow af computer is making me feel even more agitated I hate the way I act while under stress. The complete extreme opposite of how I wish to be. more materialistic, more of a hoarder more impatient more selfish more outspoken more emotionally expressive more concerned with what others think more irrational more *** tacky uncool choice of clothes I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT WAY Telling me to distract myself with pastimes other than the internet is not enough, I am so cooked that I cannot watch a film without comparing myself to characters even I mean like envying the smart alec character that has a bigger nose than I do thicker eyebrows than I do and wider apart eyes than I do and is as thin as a rake and meanwhile pitying the 250 lbs drama queen (or king) character
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My day is ruined because of Facebook
Self-Esteem / by camo303xvp
Last post
 March 3rd
...See more I don't normally get any followers at all on *** because I rarely use it, although I have posted a few things (mostly selfies and quick meaningless diary entries) and added long lost friends from the special needs school (*** is for smoke only). However someone made a friend request and I am not happy. My ego is ruined. My day is ruined after some weird r/im14andthisisdeep level quotes Bible references account followed me on ***. I feel like my younger self. Everyone thinks of me like "dumb cringe Drunning Kruger Indian ESFP RLOEN in Ni grip that thinks theyre smart but is in fact an idiot making the dumbest predictions ever" also transvestite that tries to look cool but always looks *** ridiculous whenever compared to an actually cool person and is also misgendered by like everyone and has outbursts in public Ugliest possible human ever please help I JUST WANT EVIDENCE FROM OTHERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THAT I AM more ecto than endo/meso more night owl than morning lark (generally speaking, this is very vague) more I-N-T-x and more ennea 5/6/7/9 than ennea 2/4/6/8 more androgynous-masculine than feminine, macho tough, or like ugly non-binary etc etc etc The way i want to be basically Not to mention the kind of comments id get on my youtube channel that made me insecure af about my personality Please help, I am drowning in insecurity
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Journalling doesn't help in the long run, only temporary (also it's ugly/embarrassing)
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 Thursday
...See more The cycle of posting extremely cringe-inducing extremely embarrassing long-winded trauma dumpy vents because I can't *** compartmentalise my emotions only to then regret it later on. taking psuedoscience literally. in the most embarrassing way possible. double whammy embarrassing. *** whatever my typology is I could be the coolest or hottest or basedest or intelligentest person ever (or among the most, not necessarily at the very top number 1 ultimate king god boss The Man The One and Only King Superior) person ever but still have younger self kind of typology I just *** hate how I overshare, I hate how I have tantrums in public, I hate how impulsive I am, I hate how messy and unhygienic and unstructured I am I have heart attacks reading the content of the things I would write on walls out of rage getting typed as sx4w3 468/478 on eclectic energies and not sp59x (or sp7/ 6w7) or something is a red flag that Im being too younger self
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self-esteem is dependent on MBTI / enneagram
Self-Esteem / by camo303xvp
Last post
 March 1st
...See more Idk if I should even post this, it's so personal and awkward. But it really bothers me. putting something I wrote (or a sentence I relate to) into uClassify and getting ESFP Or taking MBTI tests and getting ESFP it hurts more than anything else Like to the point of being unable to enjoy anything, to the point of crying [in other words: my entire day is instantly ruined] goes to show how I'm too impulsive to live It makes me overly observant of, and extremely critical of, my own behaviour (especially regarding strangers in public, or just other people in general) am I being too loud? am I oversharing? am I being dramatic? am I acting impulsively? other people conversely acting more and more INTJ in comparison makes me feel even more like [aforementioned typology I do not want to be], resulting in more distress Not to mention how embarrassing it is to be like this to begin with (unhealthy obsession with typology)
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Younger self PDB "type m3" documents are like
Journals & Diaries / by camo303xvp
Last post
 Tuesday
...See more "Aesthetics are so important to me I like 80s/90s stuff 2020s is SOOOOo ugly" "I lash out and scream when I do not get my own way" "I like learning stuff on wikipedia" and does it over and over again in futile hope of at least one person to vote the type they identify as because they are extremely dissatifised with the consensus the more dinosaur something is the more cringe it is. Compare "and Modern" (a goddess basically) with those Pinterest moodboards that look like they're from 2021 or something or like whenever anyone uses terms such as "[insert person] be like" or "[insert thing] go brr" ------------------------------------------------ witnessing the 2000s aesthetic sort of people or even the chavs I see IRL not on the internet do/say inventive, cryptic ways of proving reality is a simulation makes me jealous, feeling like an ugly grounded hulklike corporal s*ns*r in comparison
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