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Hi everyone!
I'm sorry if this is going to be a really long message! There's a LOT to unpack here and I'd hate to leave out something important. I am really struggling and the person I'm 'with' says he worries if I'd talk to other people because I would be changing the story, so I'll try to tell every detail I can!
I met x when I was 14 and we dated for a bit. He left me for my sister but they broke up really soon as well. Had no contact for 15 years. Three years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship that I was trying to end. He contacted me, we talked a lot about what happened back then and he asked for my forgiveness. It was so long ago I forgave him. We then talked a lot about my situation, by then I had already broken up with my ex but we still lived in the same house and there was a lot of violence. X helped me by staying over and being the only friend I had. Now X is married but he told me he is polygamous and had 2 other girlfriends. We started dating as well but I was dealing with a lot and X didn't feel seen or heard by me. Here's where the problems started.
He went on a vacation with his wife and when he came back suddenly didn't want to give any affection or intimacy. I was confused by this and got upset, mainly because I didn't understand why, and he called that sexual abuse. Then it was almost Christmas, I think 2 weeks before or so, and I told him about a dream I had of spending Christmas together. He got extremely angry at me and told me that was manipulative and he wanted to and was trying to but because I said this he wouldn't anymore.
After a few more arguments we broke up but stayed in contact. He still helped me with dealing with my ex and a few months later he finally moved out.
X still comes over once a week and we are sleeping together. However whenever I try to talk about where we stand, he gets angry that I'm too controlling or that wanting to know this is obsessive and toxic.
Now in the time my ex lived with me I had been under a lot of stress and dealing with fear, depression, cptss and so I wasn't myself entirely. However to this day (2 years later) he tells me he knows me better then I know myself, my mind can't be trusted, he is controlling only to help me and a lot of my behavior is toxic, manipulative and abusive like my ex was.
Now since me and X are not together he says I have no right to ask who he sleeps with or anything, however when I don't tell him something he immediately goes cold and distant. He says everything is my choice and it's my life, but if I make a choice he doesn't agree with he gets passive aggressive, distant and cold. If I try to talk to him calmly he says I'm 'not me' or in 'survival mode' but when I get emotional and give in suddenly I am me. If he focuses on details he says they are important but if I do it he says I'm just trying to be right or distract from the issue. I even pointed out how unfair things are with him demanding full honesty and transparency from me 'for my sake' but not giving it because he doesn't feel safe around me. He says it's ok not to agree with him but when I do he gets angry/hurt, and when I do agree I have to follow through or he calls me toxic again.
Another problem is I sometimes feel like he is overly sensitive, although I feel awful saying that because I don't want to hurt him. But some examples are:
- when my ex lived here he would constantly find reasons to fight me. Or he would do something nice, usually without asking, and then hold it over my head for weeks. If i then say anything wrong he could act like the victim. X bought a game for me that i was going to play in the living room and my ex said he wanted to watch for a minute 'to see how it looked and if it worked'. I honestly didnt care about the reasoning i didnt want to fight and i knew if i said no he would anyway, so i said fine, one minute. I started up the game, told X about it and after one minute motioned my ex to please leave which luckily he did. This was more then 2.5 years ago and X is still angry about this because in his mind this was my ex trying to hurt him and i allowed it and it broke his mind. He is still constantly talking about it. I have tried to explain it many times but he acts like i broke his heart.
- second example is recently. My dad got admitted to the hospital and i went to see him. We talked and i felt really sorry for my dad because he would likely have to stay for a few weeks. I lent him my switch so he would have something to do, showed him some games and tried to get him a bit cheerier. Few days later X came over again and we had an argument. We talked and when things calmed down i asked if there was anything I could do to make him feel better, and he said he wanted to watch me play something on the switch. I told him that wasnt possible and he got so extremely upset. He said he didnt think i even loved or cared for him by lending out my switch, and used it to purposefully hurt me later that week. He said i shouldve considered what it would do to him after everything i had put him through. I am so confused over this one still.
Today we had another argument. I have 5 hours of group therapy on Friday, followed by foodbank which requires me to clean up the fridge and kitchen etc and I did some extra work. I was really tired. We agreed on Fridays and Saturdays I can take it easy and so I slept in today, and now he refuses to talk to me because "he is not happy with me' because of that.
There is a lot more to tell (I will update later) but maybe some of you can give me some initial advice? Am I toxic and manipulative? Am I abusive? If so I'd need to know.
