Self sabotaging, detaching and dissociating

Honestly, I’ve always been extremely talkative and active of socials but now I’ve been so distant unless irl and am still so talkative.

When it comes to my friendships though, I cannot process fully the compliments I’m given and don’t truly realise how

much I’m cared for. It’s so strange but I’m so desensitised and I feel awful. I care but was questioned if I really did and if I’m saying I do without truly meaning it. I care, I promise I do. I just don’t show that I do cuz I don’t know how other than through words. I feel so bad that my friends care, only for me to not process them caring. I hate that I am this way and realised I’m detached. But I don’t know how to stop or how to navigate this when I don’t even look after myself properly. I’ve just been self sabotaging a lot and dissociating, living life on autopilot and now that I’m faced with how that is not rlly a healthy lifestyle, idk how to even fix the mess I’ve created