I need to feel like a normal person
I've been acclimating in society for 34 years since being diagnosed with BPD. I've drifted in and out of relationships throughout my 20s and 30s; spent the majority of my 40s single, resolved of the fact that I'm not for everybody. Now I am realizing just how difficult navigating this world single can be! And I would really like to fall in love and feel secure and protected and understood. But I cannot seem to rein in the insecurities)hyper-obsessive thinking patterns/looking for happiness in the unlikeliest places/inability to give up imaginary feelings for unavailable men, and it has me thinking I'll never find someone to love me because I'm simply defective and sabotage myself the most.
I want to be in love. I want someone who will let me share with them and embrace me so I can let go of distrust and trauma triggers. Am I cursed to die alone because I don't like a man unless I can't have him? What is wrong with me?
@KoCoquet
It sounds as your insights might be pretty good. I agree that sabotaging yourself by looking for irrelevant qualities in the wrong type of men can ruin the whole thing. It seems you could not expect care, empathy, warm embrace and good communication from a man who is selfish, careless and ignorant about life and love and... reluctant or unable to have at least some basic knowledge about the things you are suffering from. I guess the partner you could find should be able to not treat you like a thing, but to see your uniqueness. And when it works both ways, it can be a recipe for happiness...
One of the best relationships of my entire life was with a fine woman who suffered from borderline disorder. Yes, there were ups and downs. But the quality of those "ups" was much more than in many other relationships. I thought it was going to be for a lifetime, but some differences between our stories (we both had our different kinds of traumas) and our family/work status didn't go well. But, yes, I think of a possibility of a relationship with a "normal" person as of flat and boring.
How would you like to get out of the "magic circle" and find someone who would be a better match for you? 😊
