Trying to figure out what's going on with me
I have a history of childhood trauma in the form of emotional neglect. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mom went MIA for 3 years. I blocked a lot of that time, so I don't know if the stories my dad used to tell of my mom forgetting to pick up at school or not showing up are true. I just remember that I didn't really see her much. Once she got hitched again, she wanted me back in her life. That lasted for about 5 years, in which I was her babysitter for her new kid when she needed to be out. I thought I was experiencing love, but I was really just experiencing being needed and used. I'm not sure my mom was capable of love. My dad, on the other hand, was a Vietnam vet with his own issues and was extremely emotionally dismissive. The words, I don't know, from me was met with difficulty or ridicule in a debate (which was a common occurrence in my teens). He was loving, but also aloof and distant at times. Failure for me wasn't really an option, I had to be smart and get out.
Fast forward and I'm on my second marriage and doing my best to keep it while screwing up on the regular with my reactivity. I can't stop misperceiving situations as threats instead of acts of kindness or love lately. I have a counselor that says I have an attachment disorder and a hypnotherapist that mentioned they thought my husband might be on the narcissism spectrum. I saw some of it in him, but I began doing research and realized there are parallels in me of being a covert/vulnerable narcissist. I am the victim often and I passive aggressively lash out when hurt without regard or understanding of the intentions. This has gotten worse as my hormones have been thrown out of whack due to some changes in medications due to a liver condition.
I am seeking some understanding of what's going on with me. Do I have an attachment issue, covert narcissism, PTSD or all of the above. Is there any help for my behavior, because I really do love my partner and my life with them, but I can't seem to stop my racing, negative reactions or passive aggressive comments that are really turning toxic and abusive.
@patientWater507
Hi, welcome to 7 Cups. 💜 That sounds pretty confusing since there are so many ways of interpreting what might be happening. Just summarizing some of the things you've shared:
1) Counselor thinks you have an attachment disorder
-You mentioned your experiences while growing up with your parents both being very imperfect and neglectful in different ways (mom being MIA and only reconnecting to use you as a babysitter, dad being loving but also aloof/emotionally dismissive).
2) Hypnotherapist thinks that your husband could be on the narcissism spectrum
-This is an interesting perspective and kind of differs from the interpretation you and your counselor have both leaned toward (which focuses more on how you're contributing to the dynamic between you and your husband)
3) Based on your own research, you're feeling covert/vulnerable narcissism might fit
-You've mentioned feeling like you misperceive situations as threats and that you lash out in a passive-aggressive way that you've described as toxic/abusive.
4) Some of it could also be side-effects of hormones due to the medication
-Maybe there's something to this also. It made me think of a recent forum thread where someone shared that they were doing really well with managing BPD but then as soon as they started taking birth control it felt like all of their progress evaporated.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/General_2436/Emotionalrelapse_345539/
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Re: what kind of issue you have or trying to pin down which diagnostic categories do/don't apply, it might be best to talk to the counselor about it. (I'm a random stranger on the internet without a license/doctoral degree. 😊) Could maybe share with them anything that you feel doesn't fit into their pre-existing interpretation (attachment disorder) and ask what they think? From what you shared, it seems totally plausible that there might be multiple things all intermingling.
Re: whether there's help or it's possible for things to improve, sure! There are empirically supported forms of therapy for the kinds of issues you're describing. For example, DBT can help with managing intense emotions, creating some space between when a feeling happens and when you act on it, and communicating without making things worse. There are other therapeutic modalities that work, as well as self-help things.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/14/treating-complex-relational-trauma/
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Happy to message back-and-forth if you want to share more about what's been happening or just have someone to bounce things off of.
