Fluctuating

I have self esteem issues. Whether it’s friendships, love, my job - I have only a few times felt like myself.

My job has been making me insecure. I recently found I like other aspects of my job more than others and want to see if I could somehow find a role for me in my company to do that. I like the people but sometimes I don’t feel like myself or that I’m too much (hence the term Too Chalant). I’m having a hard time with project management tasks but also know I’m doing my best - but clearly my best isn’t enough. I ask for help but just get criticism and hear my coworkers saying “this is concerning” Wouldn’t you rather have me ask how I can be better? Instead - I get criticism and I’m not growing. I’m just being shut down.

My friendships make me insecure. I love my friends I really do, but I always feel judged. I have in my mind that their expectations of me are so high when it comes to myself, my job, boyfriends, etc. I know they love me but I want to scream that my life is none of their business. I know they care and I love them but I really just want to be me and make mistakes but not be scrutinized by them constantly.

I really try and better myself with affirmations but they never work. I really want to believe what I’m saying but I’m a “seeing is believing” person. I have positives and negatives but in my mind, my negatives outshine the positives. I don’t know how to stop it. Sure, I pat myself on the back when something good happens, but there’s always the “you could have done this better” concept that outshines that one positive moment. How do I stop that? And how do I believe the affirmations I see and get the negatives out of the way?

I truly believe in the “Let Them” theory. It’s taking time but I want it to work. It’s hard when you have so many people that care about you and you feel so so loved, yet at the same time you are the loneliest you have ever been. I have a great support system but I want to be there for myself too.

How do I work on this?