self-esteem is dependent on MBTI / enneagram
Idk if I should even post this, it's so personal and awkward. But it really bothers me.
putting something I wrote (or a sentence I relate to) into uClassify and getting ESFP
Or taking MBTI tests and getting ESFP
it hurts more than anything else
Like to the point of being unable to enjoy anything, to the point of crying
[in other words: my entire day is instantly ruined]
goes to show how I'm too impulsive to live
It makes me overly observant of, and extremely critical of, my own behaviour (especially regarding strangers in public, or just other people in general)
am I being too loud?
am I oversharing?
am I being dramatic?
am I acting impulsively?
other people conversely acting more and more INTJ in comparison makes me feel even more like [aforementioned typology I do not want to be], resulting in more distress
Not to mention how embarrassing it is to be like this to begin with (unhealthy obsession with typology)
The next bit:
I feel miserable, not just miserable but more "painfully inconsolable", like every day now. It is constantly on my mind.
It just feels like an attack on my identity. It really *** does. In public when I see other people my age I can't help but think "theyre all xNxJ, no matter how much others claim otherwise, meanwhile I have Ni so low that my life is *** it's all my fault, I'm laughing stock to them because my intuitive and thinking faculties are so low if not non-existent"
causes (or factors) of crises = weight gain, dissatisfied with hair, brother being overly nasty in general (or memories of it), maltreatment in general from people on internet or likewise anything at all triggering on the internet (or memories)
what happens during crises = more obsessed with typology
It's to the point where I can't go for a walk somewhere I like (in an attempt to calm myself down) without thinking "this is Se, I am looking at the houses and the trees and everything with my eyes, is Se my dominant cognitive function?"
I swear that if everyone in the world was a clone of myself there'd be newspaper reports "Rise in suicides because of typology tests". And type reassignment clinics would be a thing, e.g. ISFJ 9w1 964 people having brain surgery to become INFP 4w3 497 or something.
writing this in typese, because otherwise translating it into non-typese would be too vague/hard/complicated:
what a typology noob thinks Se doms are supposed to be like (or the myth perpetuated by PDB or something) = cool hot person
what Se doms are actually like = homeless or in prison, if not dead, not long after leaving parents' home because of extreme impulsiveness
when I'm in a better framed state of mind = not necessarily a certain typology in whatever system strictly but like because of many different factors
yet it feels more "sluglike" to not use typology types but at the same time the thought of professionals using typology unironically in the same way I do is uncomfortable
not to mention I imagine extremely (like very very very very) uncomfortable scenarios because of this, if you ever catch me randomly making a grimacing face at nothing at all all of a sudden for no reason whatsoever that is likely why
Like specifying MBTI types on paper is not as bad but saying it aloud especially unironically makes me feel so uncomfortable.
Im so cringe by splitting hairs over *** psuedoscience. And the fact it's *** MBTI and not enneagram.
@camo303xvp
edit = once I am level headed, not "triggered", then I can appreciate the value of literally all typology types even the ones i was otherwise upset by the thought of being
the fact the website blocking software stopped randomly is making the issue worse
There is so much on my plate and getting egodystontic typology tests worse is like an elephant in the room
The self-loathing is crushing, "I felt energised after speaking to someone therefore I am Exxx. Out of all MBTI types I do not want to be ESFX, even more so if heart triad in enneagram at the same time"
I want to dye my hair I want to lose weight but I don't know how I should get a job at some point I need to learn how to cook (but I am so accustomed to eating instant noodles) there's too much Idk where to begin
Whenever anyone mentions my obsession with typology it makes me think of a childish high-pitched voice.
@camo303xvp If you’re going to be obsessed with typology disregard MBTI. It’s a pseudoscience.
@PineTreeTree
I know it's psuedoscience. And I feel like an idiot for taking it so seriously. But I can't help it though, as an autistic person it is my language, it is a way for me to understand myself and the world around me.