Self harm urges after 8 years
I haven't self harmed for 8 years and I'm proud of my progress. But it feels like I'm sliding down a slippery slope of my own creation.
This might sound weird to some but things have been going great. Too great. I'm not used to it and I feel super uncomfortable, like I'm wearing someone else's life.
There have been so many good things happening lately I'm finding it difficult to cope with them. I passed a course here. I've been working on my healthy eat. I've been working on my cooking anxiety and managing to cook good meals. I'm doing great at my strength and balance classes. Plus I'm been great at setting boundaries with a group I'm in and saying no to something I didn't want to do. I even got honours in the course here. Which was great but what if I can't do that with the next course.
With all those things I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail because I did so well. What if I end up self harming after being clean for so long. Does thar proof that I'm a bad person like my negative schema says?
I'm hoping that someone else here can relate.
@Faelwyn
i am so glad things have been going well! Congratulations on your hard work!
I can definitely relate. I like how you phrased it “wearing some one else’s life” that makes total sense. I think part of it is out nervous system has gotten used to negative things so it stays ready to react, but when the negative things doesn’t happen, or a good thing does happen it feel almost wrong. Does that make sense?
If I may share a personal story as a way of relating: Yesterday a supervisor called me aside (just befor lunch) my initial thought was “what did do?” But she wanted to tell me I was doing a good job with a certain daily task & included specifically what I was doing right. The whole time I am waiting for the “but you need too do x,y,z better” it never came. And I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
All that to say, you are not alone in feeling this way. Sending strength!
@TealPhotog
Thank you for responding. Yes that's exactly it. I'm glad someone understands. Sorry about to head out but I'll come back later and respond more.