I'm an attention-seeker

Trigger warning, I guess.

I thought I was done with this, but I wasn't. After a bad day of teaching and then being paralyzed with exhaustion, I was just intent on self destruction, so I drank and then sensory issues at home sent me spiraling into a real breakdown. All my past traumas attacked me. I cried myself to sleep in the bathtub, making sure that no one heard me.

I moved back to bed during the night. I woke up in the morning. I couldn't get out of bed. I had no motivation for anything. My family knew I was in bed all day, but no one helped me. Nothing seemed real.

Self harm seemed like the only way to acknowledge my internal pain and move on, to shock my system- so I relapsed. It was bad. But, I just wanted to make it worse and worse so I would finally have an excuse to ask for help, to prove that I needed help. 

It was only when I felt like I was on the verge of needing stitches that I called my friend to take care of me and she let me stay at her house for the rest of the day. 

I wanted to be taken care of, but now I just feel anxious and ashamed. 

I'm seeing my therapist today. Please wish me luck that I don't have another breakdown and I can actually catch up on my work today.