Married & Questioning – Navigating Without Hurting Anyone
I’m in my late 30s, married, with a child, and only recently started questioning my sexuality. For most of my life, I assumed I was straight, but over the last few months, I’ve felt something shift, and I can’t ignore it anymore. It’s confusing, exciting, and honestly a bit terrifying.
I want to be clear that I love my wife and don’t want to hurt her in any way, shape, or form. This isn’t about acting on impulse or doing anything behind her back. I have already spoken to her about making connections in the community, but I haven’t told her exactly where I stand yet, because, truthfully, I’m still figuring that out myself. I need to understand who I am, what this means for me, and what space I want to occupy in the world.
Right now, I don’t know exactly what this means. I feel drawn to exploring it, but at the same time, I worry about what this could mean for my life. I guess I’m just looking to hear from others who’ve been through something similar, especially if you started questioning later in life.
If anyone has been through this—figuring things out while in a long-term relationship, navigating attraction later in life, or just generally understanding their identity—I’d love to hear how you handled it. I appreciate any advice or perspectives!
I hear you, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this right now. It sounds incredibly overwhelming, and it’s understandable to feel all over the place as you're navigating such a big shift in how you see yourself.
So, a little follow-up. I shared that I was questioning my sexuality later in life while in a long-term marriage. At the time, I hadn’t fully worked out what it all meant, and I was still figuring out how (or if) I should share it with my wife.
Since then, I’ve taken a huge step—I told her.
It wasn’t easy, and to be honest, things are still uncertain. There have been difficult conversations, moments of fear, and times when I’ve felt completely lost. But there’s also been relief, relief in no longer carrying this alone, in finally being honest, and in knowing that whatever happens next, at least it’s real. Life is messy and that's OK.
I still don’t have all the answers, and I don’t expect them overnight. But what I do know is this: hiding who I was wasn't no longer sustainable. If you’re in a similar position, questioning later in life, unsure whether to speak up, afraid of what happens next. I want you to know that you’re not alone.
This journey is messy. It’s terrifying. But it’s also freeing.
If you’re someone who’s been through this, whether it’s navigating your long-term relationship after coming out, finding community later in life, or just figuring yourself out, I’d love to hear your perspective.
Wherever you are in your journey, I have realised, there is no risk assessment or strategy for this. It’s okay not to have it all figured out yet. The most important thing is that you allow yourself to start.
My husband had a very similar feeling this past summer and we decided to open our relationship to allow him to explore it. He was able to try a few different things and really figure out what he liked. I highly recommend it. It gave him so much confidence and brought him out of depression. It was such a relief for him
