Pages of a Melancholic Mage
Hello all, I hope you're doing well.
I'm a new Green Card arrival who's finding it hard to navigate new surroundings. There are plenty of barriers (some expected, some not), that have compounded my Mental Health (C-PTSD among other things) and my existing struggles with such.
While trying to establish a new life for myself, I found my way here.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. If you ever need a friendly ear, don't hesitate to reach out. 🕊️
Job hunting again this morning. It's very difficult as I feel out of my depth. I grew up in an impoverished area so I didn't have any opportunities open to me for many, many years. I finished college, then set out in the middle of a recession and, after a significant struggle, picked up menial work to put bread on the table.
Now that I do have the opportunities here that I didn't back in my motherland, I don't have the relevant qualifications or experience to help seize them. My college degrees are akin to dusty tomes – something to brush off the dirt and cobwebs from.
I don't even feel like I can compete with teenagers who grew up here. Yes, they lack experience which I have, but not only does that experience not appear relevant here in this country, there's also no denying the power homegrown credentials can give you.
All that and, well, job hunting is demoralizing at the best of times, as I'm sure a lot of you know from some point in your lives.
Only recently did I discover the term, 'brain waste'. It refers to skilled individuals, namely immigrants, who are unable to utilize their full potential because of lack of credential recognition, discrimination, language issues etc. which ultimately lead to underemployment or unemployment. A waste of talent.
I wouldn't say I'm super skilled, far from it in honesty, but being a native English speaker is another barrier unto itself. People expect me to know everything about this country and not have any problems because of my mother tongue and skin colour. If anything, this creates another barrier unto itself. There's a lack of community here for my people because my people are too similar to the people here. I'm meant to be one of them off the get go. But I'm not.
And no one talks about this let alone mentions it. It's a very lonely world right now. 🌙
Got a job interview tomorrow. I spent the whole day compiling notes, writing mock questions, researching the company, planning my outfit, checking the route I'll be driving...
I'm exhausted. But I knew if I tried playing video games to relax or watched a TV show to distract myself, it wouldn't work. Because I'd be so caught up with what's coming that I wouldn't be able to focus, even if it's to enjoy myself.
To add to my pre-jitters, this will be the first time driving alone on US roads after obtaining my shiny new driving license. To a job interview. I can think of better things... 💧
I went for a dog walk and threw on my headphones. It was the most I could do for myself to smooth over my nerves.
Getting this job doesn't just mean I'll have an income again. It means I'll be able to get my own car, and in this country, that might as well be freedom itself. So there's a fair bit hinging on this.
I'm going to treat myself afterwards, though. I've decided. It's just a trip to the supermarket to most, but it'll be one of the only times I've been out alone since I got here. I'll be able to take my time and explore - see what's on offer and what new and unfamiliar things they have - without the pressure of others running around super quick and wanting to leave as soon as possible.
I hope I can find something nice.
Well. Less than one hour til interview go time.
Looks like I won't be alone after all as my OH has been rained off of work. I'm a bit disappointed I won't be able to just meander around afterwards and take time to myself, but perhaps we can go for a meal together once I'm done which is another kind of joy to have. ♥️
Better go over my interview notes one more time. Or five! 📝
Well. That's the first interview I've ever had where I was taken on a tour for 30 minutes, had the job outlined for me, asked if I had any questions, told I'd get a phone call in one or two days then ushered out the door.
Also, their acceptance form reads 'Congratuatlions!'
Hmm. All that prep and I wasn't asked a dickey bird. Ah well. I guess 'congratuatlions' are in order!
@MelancholicMage Congratulations! 🎉 I'm so happy for you! I know in an earlier post you said about being able to get a car and have some freedom. I know it's still early days but this is an awesome step in the right direction!
@mytwistedsoul Oh! Hello! Thank you so much! I'm a little frustrated that all the questions I asked during my 'interview' tour were given vague answers, so I'm feeling a bit uneasy because of that... but yes, step in the right direction. :)
Still trying to solve the car situation, but I have a little time to do that so trusting something will turn up soon. Thank you for reading my ramblings!
@MelancholicMage I was hoping you wouldn't mind a reply. :) The vagueness would make me a little uneasy too. Maybe the interviewer wasn't fully knowledgeable on the position you'd be filling?
I hope you can find something suitable. Would public transport be an option until you do find a car?
@mytwistedsoul It was a tad bit noisy in the workplace so I had to strain to hear details, but I believe he was some kind of supervisor as opposed to the manager. It most certainly wasn't the person I was detailed to meet on my interview letter. I personally think they were being purposefully vague. One question I may just chalk up to lack of knowledge, but not two or three that I asked about the position.
He was a nice gentleman however, and I don't have anything negative to say about the character of people that I met in there. They were all pleasant. It's something to keep in mind since a candidate is just as much analyzing the company as the company is them, and unless there's some severe red flags once I start I'm planning to be there for the long haul.
And oh dear me no, I definitely need a car. Maybe where I came from I could use public transport, but I've done that rodeo once before and it's very difficult. 8 hour work days quickly became 12 with public commute, and it's not living at that point, trust me. I actually had a severe health crash after 7-8 months of living like that. I'll work out a car soon, I'm sure. :)
I don't mind replies on my diary! Thanks so much for sharing your input. <3
Feels good to be free of the interview stress, but now other things are replacing it and it's a good reminder that life will always be full of stressors. It's how you handle them that leads to peace of mind - no one is truly without worry, so pursuing that kind of life state is a Sisyphean effort best avoided.
I'm listening to this lovely music mix this morning simply titled, 'Wizzardo.' Can't go wrong with a little bit of lo-fi, but it's a very saturated genre now and difficult to find good ones that actually hold a nice tune. This one fits the bill, though!
Plus the cat is very cute. 🧙♂️🐱🎩🔮🪄
@MelancholicMage This is such a cute gif!
I've been in touch with HR of my new company, working my way through background checks among other things, and they sent me an email this morning asking if I can start in less than five days time.
This wouldn't be an issue normally, but...
I have no vehicle. I used my OH's to drive to the interview and they obviously need it for their own work. I've been looking with some help over the past week or so but haven't found anything yet. The one car we did find was snapped up fast when we enquired, which was sad.
Plus, I know beggars can't be choosers, but surely I have the right to choose the colour of the car I'll be paying such a large amount of money towards... right...? I may have to bite the bullet and just pick what's best at this rate, but I'm sure if anyone else was in my situation, they'd want the freedom of choice too.
I haven't responded to the email yet. I asked my OH for their thoughts, but I'm tempted to ask HR if I can start in a week's time. Then I can get transport figured out, as well as new clothes and shoes for the job. Yet I don't want to make a bad impression.
Guess I'll try and wait it out, see what input I get. Guess I'll go looking for cars again in the meantime, just incase. 🚙
@MelancholicMage Maybe it helps to keep in mind that you can always trade up with whatever car you take now? I'd be a little leary too about asking for more time before starting. Hopefully you had some luck with car shopping
@mytwistedsoul Thanks for reading through my journal here, as always! It helps knowing someone is rooting for me.
In my mind I wanted to get a good car that I can pay off and own outright for years going forward. Something reliable, sturdy, and AWD to help with inclement weather. Plus trading up sounds like a hassle, but it's a good idea otherwise so thanks for suggesting!
Thankfully I should be sorted now and I've had fun going out for the first time on my own. A bit scary, a bit off-putting, not to mention lonely. (It's strange, being acutely aware of how you're a foreigner compared to everyone else. It's like being surrounded by people who are in a club you can't join.) But to have freedom again? I can't put into words how liberating it is.
@MelancholicMage Very nice! Congratulations! 😊 I hope with a little time you start feeling more at home where you are.
This mage has wheels now!
Had quite the ordeal getting the car I found. From having no credit (being new in the country and all), finding out the advertised car had an accident on record when it was listed as having none, then the dealership trying to add on 4k extra in additional fees? Thankfully we haggled our way out of, but it was a wild ride.
To add to all that, it turns out this car has an open recall standing so I need to take it to a licensed dealership to get it checked out for free - apparently it could lead to the WHOLE ENGINE needing to be replaced. But hey, free engine! That's crazy good if it happens. I'll have to ask the official dealership to help me work out other quirks with the car, but I love it. I already feel a bit attached.
Poor thing is only a 21 model with one previous owner and less the 50k miles on it. It's a quirky creature that I feel needs looking after.
I've dubbed her 'Shionne'.
This marks my third car but my first one here in my new country. I'm hoping to pay her off sooner rather than later, but I still have to leave a bit of time in-between to build credit. With me starting work in a week or so after getting extra time from HR, it shouldn't be too long before I own her outright. Then once she's paid off, it'll be all hands on deck (or magic brooms) to start working towards getting my very own home.
Our very own home. <3 🏡
I've spent this morning sitting with a cup of coffee or two and scrolled my way through the net to buy things for my new job. The regional differences are so apparent when I go shopping: not just in price but in range of things available. Some nicer things here, some not. Either way, I needed new threads, new shoes, a lunchbox and bag... things I suppose a lot of people take for granted!
I'm sure I'll pay for it all in my first week's wage but things are more expensive than I thought. Even when I'm trying to budget and buy things under a certain amount, I'm hitting triple figures. ;;
So with all that out of the way, (I never want to see another bento box for as long as I live lol) I've opted for staying in and playing The Sims 2 today – Guilty pleasure! I'm building a railway station at current that's been converted into a café. I'll post pictures when it's finished, but for now it's a slow work-in-progress.
An update on my Sims 2 station/café build:
I'm feeling pretty rough this morning. I really want to discuss something but I just don't feel like I have the heart for it. More like I don't have the energy for any disagreement or argument that could arise from it. So more building to distract myself, I guess!
@MelancholicMage Looks good! I used to play Sims a lot a few years back. Building things was probably the best part about the game lol
I'm sorry to hear that your morning is rough. This place is always here if you change your mind. No pressure though 😊
I've had a physical health problem for 6 months and I finally bit the bullet and went to the Urgent Care Centre this morning. Turns out I had a UTI. For 6 months.
I had treatment back in my home country for one right before I left to emigrate, but turns out they got rid of the worst of it but not all of it. The medical staff appeared stunned I'd waited this long. I had to though because I was waiting to get medical insurance. I have to admit though, I was stupid to wait. UTI's can travel to the kidneys and become very complicated very quickly if left too long.
So I was given a course of medicine yet when I went to pick up my prescription, they told me my insurance doesn't cover dispensary. Yet everyone else on that cover has it? I had to pay in full. A phone call is definitely going to be made because it just doesn't add up. And now I await the dreaded medical bill to find out how much an hour or so visit will cost me.
On top of that, went to do some shopping afterwards and turns out the place had a power outage and had to close! Then the cherry on top is my OH is now no longer talking to me over some tired finger-pointing. I'm too tired to engage in it.
What a day. (Pops pill) 💊
@MelancholicMage I'm glad you got yourself checked out but sorry to hear about the coverage issue. Health insurance is ridiculous (smh) I hope tomorrow is a better day for you
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. And you're right, as I'm finding out for myself! But there's ups and downsides to all healthcare systems. Coming from somewhere that had a more 'socialist' system, I can tell you it's far from the coveted 'promised land' people make it out to be.
You can be waiting on an operation for MONTHS and people have actually died waiting. Not exaggerating. Because they go off urgency. So that infection that isn't urgent is pushed back, which then becomes worse and is now a priority. At which point it's spread too fast and it's too late. Even though it was known about and could have been treated earlier.
And it's not free either despite what people say, because it comes out of your taxes and you don't even get the real benefit of it. Do you want 'free' healthcare that has waiting times of 12-16 hours in ER and risk of death waiting for an operation? Or be seen to in an hour or less and treated straight away but pay through your nose?
Pick your poison I guess.
@MelancholicMage I had wondered about that with the "free" insurance. I figured it wasn't really free. They would have to get the money from somewhere or someone. I see so many people here in the "states" that are constantly clamoring for it but they don't fully understand how it works. Nothing in life is ever truly free. You pay for it some where. It just might not be as noticeable. I don't like that it's so expensive but I also can't imagine having to wait so long with the possibility of dying being the end result. At least here what insurance doesn't cover the hospital's will let you make payments. As long as you're making an attempt to pay they can't do anything except complain.
@mytwistedsoul Oh my goodness– exactly! It's so nice to hear from someone who has enough of their own cognitive process to realise the money has to come from somewhere. It's not truly free. You win the internet!
And this is coming from someone who lived in one of those countries that had what you guys almost knew as 'Obamacare', if I'm not mistaken. It sounds good on paper. But the execution is terrible. My country used to be okay for it at best, but after a decade of a certain political party it was driven into the ground.
And I didn't even mention there's a base rate of expense for medicine where I come from. So for example you pay $20 base for any prescription no matter what it is. Sounds good, right? Except a pack of 6 tablets costs the same as a box of 90. It's terrible. Here you pay for the expense of what that particular medicine costs. Imagine paying $30 upwards for two packets of Ibuprofen? Good for the people getting the expensive prescriptions, but others are getting ripped off to pay them.
It all reminds me of University tuitions getting waivered and all the students who actually worked hard to pay it off getting screwed, but that's a topic for another time...
@MelancholicMage Woo hoo! What will I do with all this internet knowledge?