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My partner and I both have autism/ADHD. As you might expect, that results in a clumsy way to process and express emotional things, and in conflict sometimes – like last night.
I'm butt when it comes to my own emotions, but sometimes I find myself in a position where I understand very clearly a particular issue that she struggles with, and what she could do to help with it (because I've experienced it and found a way to deal with it or make it better on my end, for example). She comes from years of abusive relationship with a narcissist, whereas my previous relationships were focused on sharing and addressing emotions, implementing changes, and spontaneously apologising when the line was crossed – not like that worked super well for me, but there is kind of a gap between us there.
Of course I care for her and so, when I see what the issue is, I try to help. But I'm always too sure of myself, too logical. I come off as pedant and she has said that it feels like I try to micromanage her emotions and friendships. I can see why, but I don't know what to do it about it.
I'll give you an example. I know she can easily interrupt, overshare, etc. I know people typically don't like that. I also know she wishes to get better at making and maintaining friendships, and doesn't understand why she's not good at it, or why her colleagues don't seem to like her. Naturally, I make the connection, and I want to help. So, one day when she interrupts and shares quite a bit as we're with some friends (I've known those friends longer than her, 5 years, and I can tell that they're a bit overwhelmed but won't say anything), I bring up my thoughts to her; pointing out that although she probably isn't aware of it and is obviously not doing it on purpose, she's not letting people finish their thought and takes time to expand on her own perspective in a way that they might feel is too much. And I do my best to do it right, gently, from a place of love and care; I don't put her down or shame her for it, right? But it's “negative feedback” and it's hard for her – I mean, no one likes that and it would be hard for me too, but I'm generally grateful to receive it and I try to adjust as a result. With her it doesn't always seem to lead up to something constructive. She does take feedback into account to the best of her ability, but says that it makes her feel uncomfortably self-conscious, like she's better off being quiet and not trying anymore. I point out that's a bit extreme; feedback matters but you shouldn't be beating yourself up over it. She answers that if people are bothered, they should speak up for themselves, and it's not my place to try and manage her friendships like that. I say fair enough, but people typically don't do that, and friendships aren't normally built on the assumption that people will always take the step to tell you that they're uncomfortable, or suck it up (especially when you're autADHD and your natural expression looks like you're going to snap at someone at any moment). A big part of meaningful relationships is going out of one's way, reading the room, making room for others, and apologising if you occasionally fail to – which she does in our relationship, but not so much with friends, and even less so with other people.
My point is this: we are autistic, we are not good with social cues. So how can we expect to have meaningful and long-lasting relationships with others if 1. we're not open to (potentially negative) feedback, 2. we expect people to tell us when they are bothered and 3. we expect them to suck it up if they choose not to? I think she is setting herself up to be disappointed and keep making enemies, but there doesn't seem to be a way for me to hint at that without making her feel utterly put down and worthless.
I'm clearly too rational about it. My words are often clumsy. And there is something inherently wrong with "telling people how to behave". In a way I do try to micromanage her interactions, and I hate that. I understand and recognise that, I have made it clear to her and apologised. I also think we could both use therapy and we're working on having that soon. But in the meantime, I do not understand what I am supposed to do when I feel like I see the big picture and she doesn't. My heart tells me that we should be able to tell each other when we do something that other people might dislike. I don't see how I could become a better person without negative feedback, so it's definitely something I expect from my partner. But she says she doesn't like that. So then, should I keep such things to myself even if that means that she might continue to sabotage her chances at making and maintaining friendships? I don't see myself as a silent witness of that.
To conclude, I might put it as a metaphor: how do you point out to someone that smiling can be a huge factor in initiating friendly interactions, without being that basic b*tth*le who goes “you should smile more”? And if that is not the right question... Then what am getting twisted?
I might add that our relationship is doing well. Part of the autADHD experience is walking in circles in our heads and making big deals out of momentary issues, which is what we're doing here. That said, I could use help finding the right way out of this one. Thank you for reading me, I'll be glad to read your thoughts on any of this!
