Is it bad that I wish I never had this disorder?

I just don't wanna be like this. I'm already broken and traumatized by my childhood, my narcissistic father and my distant mother, why did I have to get ADHD? I mean, I've had it as long as I can remember, but I turn 20 TOMORROW, and it wasn't until 4 months ago that I actually started to look into all this and figure out my stupid brain

The more I learn about it, the explanations for why I am the way that I am, the more I wish I never had it. The impulsiveness, the anxiety, the limerence falling in love with someone I only just frickin met, the constant brain activity keeping me up at night, the inability to put consistent effort into something, because the moment I stop, it never comes back

I wish I could remove this. That I could just take it out of my brain

I know that none of this is really productive, and I see all these things trying to help me, but for some reason, I just don't do it. I want to, but I don't, and I don't know why

I'm just wondering if it's okay to feel these feelings. To wish I was normal