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I have been through a lot in the last year. Last year in February, I learned I was losing my job of 5 1/2 years because the company was closing 18 stores and mine was on the cut list. I loved the job (music retail) and if the company didn't shut down, I'd still be working with them. The store closed a week after I got back from vacation that May, and the whole company actually ended up going under at the end of the summer.
I got a new job in the following month at another music retail place. At the end of that month, my grandpa ended up with a brain bleed after falling and hitting his head on the sidewalk. Luckily after surgery, he was fine.
I found out that my grandma who I haven't talked to in 5 years (for good reason) has cancer somewhere between then and the end of the year. I've been facing moral dilemmas because I just can't stand her and don't want to be around her, but she's still my grandma. She's still family.
I was hit and run in November. I already had driving anxiety after a wreck 5 years ago, but now it has gotten worse. I can't even drive down the road to the store without shaking.
Thanksgiving week, I was the only manager at my job to not get a 4-day work week with the paid holiday off because they decided to change my schedule.
I got the first week of December off because I was supposed to go to Florida with my dad and sisters, but we ended up cancelling the trip in October because we wouldn't be able to afford it. The following week, my first day back to work was delayed because I went to Urgent Care. I had developed Bronchitis. I didn't get home until close to 11 that day and called off the next day because it hit me hard.
The week before Christmas, I didn't get home until close to 11 on Tuesday, found out halfway through my shift on Wednesday that the closing staff (myself and one associate) wouldn't be able to leave until the packing orders were done and I ended up not getting home until after 1am, had to be at work at 10am the next day, didn't get home until 11:30 on Friday, didn't get home until after midnight on Saturday because I was the only closing manager the Saturday before Christmas, and had Sunday off. The day before Christmas Eve, I was supposed to have off because I had Sundays and Mondays off usually, but the store manager forced me on the shift even though I had told him I'd have to check if my sister had a way to work (she doesn't drive). I found out from the other manager that day that my sales manager only worked 8am-noon claiming she "had an appointment". Bull, she had the following two days off and wanted to leave early. Christmas Eve, my store manager claimed he was "already done" at 2pm after having the previous two days off. He also left while I was on break, leaving no manager on the floor meaning my break was going to be interrupted because I was the only one.
January was awful for my driving anxiety. There was something wrong with my car when I was coming home one day, and I didn't know what. The following day, I had to call off because we got slammed with snow. I couldn't get my car into the shop because of it. I ended up taking it in on Saturday because I was not driving an hour to work while warning lights were coming on in my car. My sales manager got an attitude with me around 4pm because I was not going to make it in to work. "X employee had a flat tire this morning and now he's at work. There's no need to drag this out." By the way, I had just gotten a call right before that text that my hybrid battery (thank the Lord it wasn't the electric one) was COMPLETELY shot, my air filter was dirty (small issue), and there was standing water and ice in my battery compartment. I was LUCKY this didn't permanently damage my car. It costed me $700 to get all of the issues in my car fixed (hybrid batteries are expensive, though not nearly as expensive as electric batteries).
February was rough, too. I was having increasing problems with my sales manager. She was not fit to be in that position. She was lazy, picked stupid fights with customers, and just sat in the office all day. I was stressed, exhausted, and tired of being taken advantage of. I finally quit my job after getting a different retail job. I had two weeks in between because I was originally going to work out a notice but ended up fully quitting one day. It was nice, because it gave me time to relax and gather myself.
I just started my new job on Sunday. It's only part-time, so I'm not getting health insurance. It's a pretty easy job, working only 20 hours a week. I'm not management for the first time in 4 years. This is definitely not a long-time solution, but it's something for now. It's only 20 minutes from my house. However, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Maybe anxiety from being in a new job. I'm still having driving anxiety even though this is a SIGNIFICANTLY easier drive than the other job and I'm SUPER familiar with this area. I feel lost and confused and alone. I feel like I'm driving my parents and siblings crazy with my anxiety attacks. I feel sad. I don't really have friends. I miss being around music all the time. It's a significant pay cut and there's so many things I'm having to put off because of it. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've let myself down. Nothing feels right.
My sister says part of it might be me being used to being stressed all the time and now I'm not, so it's throwing everything out of whack. I'm still grieving the job I lost last year because it was perfect. I slept maybe a combined 3 hours last night (very disrupted) and had to work today (thankfully it was only a 4-hour shift).
I was supposed to enjoy a concert last Thursday, but the artist cancelled 10 minutes before the opening act was supposed to go on.
My parents are in financial trouble to the point of them being in danger of losing the house. I know this means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but we were supposed to go on vacation in November, but now obviously we can't. I feel like every time I get excited about something, something happens to where that thing won't happen. I can't enjoy myself. Things just don't seem to be going my way.
3 weeks from today is the 20th anniversary of my grandpa's death. I miss him. I was 8 when he died, but I miss him so much. Maybe I didn't get to properly grieve because my mom went into a massive depression and my dad had to take care of her. I only have one picture of me with him. I don't have anything of his. I don't remember his voice. I barely remember how he looked. Maybe it's a combination of everything that's making this hit harder.
My cousin is pregnant and it's making me feel VERY old because she's 19. I'm the oldest of my generation of kids on that side of the family. My brother turns 21 in November and he's the baby. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm lost.
I can't go to therapy because I don't have health insurance, and I can't afford to go. I'm taking anxiety meds, but I might need a dosage increase. I can't afford to go to an appointment to do so. I'm tired of having to rely on meds and therapy to be happy. I am in no way, shape, or form a danger of myself. I promise that. I just feel... empty (not because of the meds, just in general). I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel weak. I feel a deep self-hatred that I know isn't justified because I do have mental health issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped.
