2025
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!!! 🎆🥂🎁❤️
Prayers and prayers. May this year be bigger, brighter and blissful. May we all be safe, and happier.
Amen.
@querencia798 Happy New Year to you as well! Thank you for your post and I couldn't have said it better myself! ⭐
May this year be your best one yet, overflowing with love, health, and happiness! 💓
Happy New Year! It is nice to start a new thread for a new year.
I am glad that your New Year's was good and that you went out. I wouldn't worry too much about the dream. It is just a place where you store anxiety.
We had a pretty good New Year's Day as well. My sister and family visited and we went on a picnic. Nothing was too tense which was nice.
So far I am doing okay with the "slow down" a bit, though I am still rather anxious about how the year will unfold. But we are going to focus on the slowing down and not looking too far into the future. If you enjoy the day rather than worrying about what might happen less then you begin to feel more secure, settled, and successful in your present. It is never about what you do or some kind of timeline. It is always about being more satisfied with where you are.
@bestVase7265 it's great to hear that from you.
My life has been *** since the 19th. My father is creating troubles for me. First he didnt send me to malaysia. Mow he is backing off from the foundation I want to get admitted in. I'm mentally unstable, not as stable as I might sound like. He told me on the 19th that im wasting his money. Since then huge escalations happened, some where I went violent and hit him repeatedly. You can judge me for this and say I lose the ground. But I'm a mentally unstable person suffering from narcissistic abuse, hot and cold behaviour and it has made me agitated. Now just tonight we sat down to have a conversation. There he went on how he has no wish to get me admitted in the foundation programme but will still go ahead (let's see). He is a psychopath who says it'll al be my responsibilty to go for the foundation till a university that'll grant me scholarship after this. If I fail to in this foundation I don't know where I'll go. It isn't accepted in any unis in Bangladesh, only abroad. He says he will keep it written and avoid from all responsibilities if any obstacle comes in my path. I'm truly depressed, scared and agitated with his words. He said yes, but with a but. He is again saying some things are left to be talked tomorrow. What if he will flip again? What will happen to me. I don't know. I can't even type without crying. You can Google ncc L3ifdhs. That's the course I wabt to study. Am I doing anything wrong, risky by not keeping BD as an option which I will have with A-levels which I don't want to do because it'll take 2 years. Will I not get any scholarship with L3ifdhs? What will happen after a year. He drained me by speaking to me that way. I regret the fact that maybe if I had taken A-levels a year ago, I wouldnt be in this mess, but sadly that time is over and I don't know how much I'll be able to nail this foundation programme. Even if I do, what will be of my future self? And will I even be given a chance to start the foundation, given his on and off, hot and cold, flipping behaviour? I don't know. I hate the fact I charged on him violently but it was years of trauma that has made me this way. I don't know what should i do? Please help .
You are going to be okay. Work on the foundations program that you have gotten into. You are going to do better than you think. Your father is training you not to trust yourself by constantly blaming your mental illness. People who are mentally ill have just as much possibility of success as anyone else. I am mentally ill too and I have had a good amount of success. I refuse to let my illness stop me. There is no reason to let yours stop you.
You can believe in yourself even if your father doesn't believe in you. He may be paying for some things but that isn't a deciding factor on anything. He is being manipulative and you don't have to let him that far into your brain. You are smart and can handle the work.
I don't think any less of you for lashing out at him. It's okay. It happened and blaming yourself just makes it worse.
Take a deep breath. You can do this. Do you live at home while you are doing the program? The sooner that you can get away from your dad and his negativity the better. @querencia798
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you.@querencia798
I'm in a worse position than I have ever been in my life. My dad refused to pay for the foundation programme. There's GED that I can enroll into so I can get admitted into the one university that accepts GED in Bangladesh. Other than that, there is the traditional A-Levels which require 2 years. Why did this happen to me, Dawn? Why? Maybe it's the result of my rigidity of not doing A-levels. Now I have two options. Either sit for A-levels or go for GED. I dunno which one to choose. I'm in bed because of the shock in the form of his telling me that he wouldnt pay for my education abroad. Do I finish GED and get into university here? It's a Malaysian university with a campus in Bangladesh. Or do I complete 2 years A-levels in the hopes of getting a scholarship and moving out which is risky, plus there is a lot of load of A-levels that I'm unwilling to take in my unstable mind. He says one thing, goes back on it tomorrow. I've been given strong meds. I have been having panic attacks for 17 days straight. I puked out of panic attack. I don't know which one would be a better option for me. You are a professor, right? Please help me. I have cursed myself for not taking A-levels a year ago. Had I done that, I wouldn't be seeing such days but then everyone was showing me dreams. I cried a river these few weeks. What should be my priority? Doing Alevels in the hopes of a scholarship whereas I may or not get results like that. Even GED is scarring me. I have lost all my confidence and spend days in bed. What should I do?
Ok. So taking a deep breath is a good starting point. Then get out of bed.
Tell me a little more about the university that takes the GED. Why is it the only one that does so? Do its credentials lead to jobs?
The A-Levels sound more promising. Do you have to do them where you are or can you go elsewhere? Listen to me closely. You can do the work. Even the courses that you think you can't do, you can. I will help you get through the courses. Don't look at the pile. Look at it course by course. Doing them now is really no different than 2 years ago. You are going at your own pace. That is okay.
The key is that you find a way to get away from your dad as quickly as possible. The reason that he isn't paying is because he wants to continue to manipulate you. You don't deserve that. If you can do A levels only in Bangladesh then you need to find a different town to do them in than where you are right now. As soon as you live a few hours away from your dad if that is at all possible then he will manipulate you less. You will find the strength to move onwards.
Be in contact more often no matter what is happening. You need a voice of reason here. Your father is not that voice. If we email daily you are going to become more stable. I believe in you. You have conquered before. You can do it again. @querencia798
All I know is that it's a Malaysian university whose campus is here. They operate on their rules. Credentials might be the same as other universities. I cannot go elsewhere, Dawn. We don't have anyone. No relative, nothing. Quick way to get away from him is not under my control. He has the money, I have nothing. If I do the Ged, it's accepted in Malaysia. But again he has to pay. The thing about A-levels is everytime I will look at it, I'm gonna be reminded of the fact that my 2 years have gone to waste. And the man who isn't paying now, there's no guarantee he'll pay after my A-levels. A-levels are hard. The probability of me doing bad at it is higher because I don't want to do. Is it bad that I don't want to? The fact that you are saying A-levels sound more promising is confusing me more because that's the path of tears I'll be taking. I'm that much unstable right now. I dont know what to do. I don't know.
Had this been any other situation, I wouldn't have asked this. But is there any way we could be connected on a more convenient platform. Like whats app? Or if you want to keep a boundary and reject this idea, I wont mind either. But I'm seriously breaking down day by day and it's not helping me. I live with narcicistic parents, my sister is miles away and emotionally distant and I have no friends. This is the lowest point of my life, I swear.
Ok, I do know that things are really bad right now. I get that you are at a really low point and I am here to help.
Listen, if the GED feels more doable then do that. The key right now is that you do something. It will make you feel better that you are trying. Remember that your school system works different than mine so I don't always know all of the ins and outs. Do you have to pay anything to do the GED? Is it just a free exam? Do you have to study for it? Think of it all in terms of little questions like this. Little baby steps. Take a baby step every day. Then you are going to feel more in control of the situation. I promise.
I am afraid that I am going to keep our conversation to here rather than opening to WhatsApp. I know that it feels a little confining, but I am very much an empath and I need to have up a few barriers so I don't get overwhelmed myself. Always remember that I came to this site because I am ill too. When I get hit with too much then my own world begins collapsing.
That doesn't mean I won't answer you every night for months on end. I absolutely will. I have no problem with that. My brain just needs to be doing it on a certain schedule. I apologize for my own weakness.
It's absolutely fine that you want to keep our conversation here. I understand that.
I'm very much depressed. GED is completely computer based and it has 4 modules - English, Math, Social Studies and Science. You need to score 145 out of 200 on each to get a pass. It takes 4 months. While A-levels covers content in depth and you have to choose subjects that you are willing to study at university. If I don't do it, do you think I'll be having trouble at university? I think I will. GED is cheaper. It is, in fact, an American programme. Do you think I should do A-levels? Be honest. I feel shattered to think I'll have to stay in Bangladesh for 2 years. With GED, I only have chance to one university in Bangladesh and Malaysia, while with A-levels, my options are wide open. Please help me with this dilemma.
If I do GED, I'll have to go to the only university that accepts it which is 9.5 km away. I'm not a person who travels this far everyday in scorching heat and devastating traffic. Another option is obviously abroad. And the way he went back on his words and made me bedridden for days, there's no guarantee he'll pay, and will probably ask me to do A-levels again and say how he knew GED would be valueless and by that time, more time will have gone in waste.
What should I do, Dawn? What should I do?
Will all my 20s go in waste like this? Can I never enjoy?
Your 20s are NOT going to waste at all. You are learning about yourself, growing and getting healthier. Your life isn't defined by schooling or career.
But it is defined by working to get away from the influence of your father over your life. It is going to take time, but avoid being paralyzed here. Slow but steady progress is what you are looking for.
I am going to continue to ask some questions, okay? I know exactly what a GED is. Here it is kind of a half high school diploma. You can get into college with one here but usually it is a junior college, a more preparatory one.
Will your dad pay if you do the A-levels? Is that what he wants? Do you travel at all to do those (even a few kilometers)? Anything that you are doing completely online probably isn't going to work all that well for you because you need to get away from your house a few hours a day at a minimum.
If you are taking a certain track of courses in A-levels to lean towards a career that you like what particular classes are you scared of? We can work through these issues. I trust your intelligence and will help you figure out study plans.
The key is that you chose one of the two paths soon. The longer you wait the longer you are paralyzed. So let's figure this out in the next week or so. I keep asking questions (some of them stupid because I don't know) and you keep answering them. We will narrow things down to your best choice. Take a deep breath. You can do this.
Yes, he will pay. I'll have to get admitted into coaching centres. I require to take 2 subjects in A-levels. I'm scared seeing the books themselves. They are so thick. Each subject has 2 books. I thought to pursue Business courses. So, I think Economics and Business are what I am going to take. But I have never touched those subjects ever in my life. 1 book of each subject equals to AS, another one equals to A2. They look very hard.
I have done a big mistake by not taking Alevels last year, no? But I never thought it'd turn out to be like this. I'd face such betrayal. Is it my fault not to have any backup? At the end this is what I got. I can't wipe this out of my mind that a year has been wasted. Total 5 years of gap in education.
Another thing is I'm staying in bed all day. He has made me bedridden. By giving me such a shock. And my sister is being emotionally distant, sending me hurtful cruel messages that I treated her badly at her worst time and while she was here I made her feel unsafe. I keep texting her in a row. This is ruining my mental health more. But other than my sister, I have no one to protect me from this man's abuse.
Stop thinking about this in terms of making mistakes. I really don't think you have made any. And I really mean that. Life works out the way it is supposed to. You needed the last few years to tackle other stuff. Now you return to school. The longer you stay focused on the past (which you can do nothing about) the less you can heal.
Ok, so the A levels are two subjects and your dad will pay for them. What does it take to do the application to the program? That is the next thing to figure out.
I know that the books seem scary because they are big, but that doesn't mean they are impossible. Again, they are done step by step. Tell me why you have selected business and economics necessarily. Are there any other subjects that you feel more confident in? Maybe you want to do one where you don't feel so confident and one where you do.
I know that you are bed-ridden with grief but the time has come to start getting up for a little bit. Let's say at first an hour in a chair in your room. Or maybe you can walk outside for 5 minutes. Little steps to get going again.
You can do this. Lots of deep breaths.
Science is hard. I initially thought I'd like to do business in future. Right now, everything seems unlikely and that I can never stand on my feet. That I can never enjoy studying or earn money.
To start A-levels, you need to get a tutor or admitted into a coaching centre where they'll teach you everything. Outside world is scarring me. Right now, my mind is into the fact that my sister is being a *** to me in my vulnerable state. Due to my mental instability, I made some mistakes that made her feel unsafe while she was here last year. She is being vindictive, cruel, mocking me and doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel abandoned and scared. Because she is the only person sane and experienced enough in this family whose support I cant do without. But again my self respect has been mocked enough and she keeps hitting me at my wound. I text flood her. She calls me insane. I feel insane. But there's no way I can grab any hold of her.
I'm feeling as if my life is ending. I don't know if education is even for me. Do you know what my core dream is, Dawn? Taking my mom abroad (even if it's Malaysia) and settling there where I can earn some money. I feel like all my 20s will go in such waste of doing A-levels, university and by the time I understand the job market, I'll be 30 or over and a failure. Half of my life will have gone by and I wouldn't have accomplished any of my dreams. I feel terrified of my mom not being there. I'm feeling helpless and hopeless, Dawn. I'm feeling hopeless. I am also not like my sister who keeps challenging her destiny and gets out of a situation. I'm a little weak, mentally ill and I'm scared.
I know how scared you are. But focusing on your sister or on the past won't help you at all right now.
You can get back on your feet all by yourself. I am here in your corner cheering you on and I am not going to stop.
Avoid looking at any big picture or how long anything is going to take. Your life is a journey. It isn't an education or a career. When you are learning you are doing something. That is all that matters - not how long it takes.
Small baby steps. Did you get out of bed today and walk outside for 15 minutes? That is your only goal for tomorrow if you didn't do it today. You MUST get out into the world in short bursts. There is nothing scary out there for 15 minutes. Your brain will calm down once you start doing the little stuff.
I wasn't suggesting any science for a second A level subject by the way. What about something like psychology or sociology? Those can be great paired with business.
But again, first step is just to get out of the house. EVERY DAY. This is a goal you can handle. I am walking alongside you. Lots of deep breaths. @querencia798
I woke up to find the number of a tutor. That's it. And then I had a light sleep full of tensed thoughts. I don't even know if I'll enjoy business. I don't feel ready. Self-studying is harder, even with just one chapter. I don't understand psychology book and I too thought of that.
I don't know why God is doing this to me. What does he want to teach me? I don't know if I am not enjoying Business and Economics just now or it is for ever. I sometimes feel like taking the GED exam and getting into that only university but again I'm not sure of my career choices. I need career counselling. Above all, I feel done and scared.
Ok, it is great that you found the number of a tutor. That's actually progress. Every little step counts. Next step on that front is to place the call. You aren't asking for tutoring at this point. You are asking for a short meeting to get the lay of the land. What does studying business or economics actually look like? What kinds of things can you expect to learn? Are there other subjects that might work better? You pay them like you would for a tutoring session (a single one) but you learn a bit. So that is part of your three-part homework from me. Make a phone call to set up a meeting. We can come up with a list of questions later.
Second part of the homework: get outside for 15 minutes. Walk or stay still. It is up to you. You really need to start doing this one. You can even start with it.
Third part of homework: describe here any subject you enjoyed while in school and why you enjoyed it.
This is going to take lots of little steps. Just wondering about God's intentions isn't going to help. Take a deep breath. You can do this. @querencia798
I will try to place a meeting soon. Tomorrow I'll try to go to the coaching centres to get more help. Here, students focus more on coaching centres than at school for A-levels. That way I'll get outside too. I really hate what is going on in my country, you know. I feel unsafe and want to move far away from this rotten country. Let me get admitted into coaching centres, and I'll let you know. Each day is becoming a struggle. My sister after saying a lot of hurtful words in my most crucial time blocked me on Whatsapp and this often is giving me stress. Will she never talk to me again? Should I wait before sending her an email? I dunno if she has me blocked even there. She is always mad at me and very rude towards me. Her words echo in my head. I break a little everyday.
So no email to your sister for a bit. She isn't supportive right now and that's on her. So we take a deep breath together and do this.
Go to the center and ask questions. I know that you might hate to get out but you can do this. Little steps. Nothing that they can say is going to be a stopping point. They might give you some ideas that will cause you to rethink things, but that's okay. More information is always good.
So obviously you will get outside for the 15 minutes. Answer my question about subjects you liked in school.
My country is pretty wretched right now too as we turn towards fascism, racism, and authoritarianism. It breaks my heart. But we have to keep moving forward. Good remains in the world. @querencia798
I actually emailed her and made her unblock me through some words and promise not to flood text. But everytime I send her a text I get obsessive about the reply. I feel like I am all alone in the world without my sister's support. She texted that unless someone of us dies, she won't come. That much hurtful she is being. But despite that, I miss my last year's sister.
Dawn, may I say something? It is taking me ages to get over this time's depression. Today, I spent all day mourning over my sister and her support in bed. I know that's disappointing to you but it's hard. It's hard to do anything. How will I study with this head of mine? About the subjects, I somehow crossed my igcses and there isn't any specific subject I liked. I liked Physics but In A-levels, everything is hard and content heavy.
Going to the centre has to come next week because the man who is my father has gone out of town for a day or two or who knows how much longer. All I'm saying is it is suffocating and every night I go to bed with the thought that if everything fails, I'll take the Ged exam and this repeated train of thought with depression is taking all my energy. There is an Indian friend of mine who couldn't complete her graduation because of depression and suicidal thoughts everytime she needed to write papers and I wonder if I am turning into her.
Sending lots of hugs to begin with. Let's take a deep breath and start there. In and out with me okay?
Okay, so you need to stop obsessing about your sister. It is really hurting you right now. Have you continued with your therapy sessions at all? Your therapist might help you come up with ways of thinking a little differently.
Thanks so much for answering my question about subjects. Good job! Tell me more about what made you possibly like physics. Was it the movement of things? Was it building things and watching them work at all? I am not suggesting taking physics necessarily. Subjects that you like can go in lots of different directions.
Ok, next step. Getting outside. I totally get that this feels nearly impossible right now and bed feels more comfortable. But we are going to move slowly here. I bet that you can manage 15 minutes. Then try to stay out of the bedroom in the house as long as possible. That should be easier if your dad isn't there.
Those are your only goals for tomorrow: no texting with your sister (just see it as taking 24 hours off), reach out to your therapist if you can, answer my general physics question, and get out of your bed for longer than you did today.
You can do this. Depression is a bear. But you are NOT necessarily defeated by it. You have a different journey than your friend. @querencia798
It breaks me that my sister is going through her own crucial phase that is taking all her energy and leaves no room for my problems. She won't even tell me about her crucial phase. Just that she has no room for other tensions. And I have never been the person without any support.
I need to take a session, you are right. Physics' concepts were interesting to grasp. 10th grade was easy. Movement of things, sure.
Today I spent the time I had to be awake in a panic attack. I don't even know why I get them. It sucks to be in my position. Every night I go to bed thinking if I fail A-levels, I'll take GED but this thought everyday is draining my energy. My sister tells me that I need to change my thought process. But how? When it is a thought I have to keep. I did 15 mins outside bedroom. You know, Dawn, I'm just hating everything. I didn't want to take A-levels but God has thrown this in my face and I dunno where to go. I can't see it getting better in months.
You still are not a person with no support. I am supporting you. You can find other people on Cups to support you as well. Your therapist is also there for support. Use the support web that you have rather than pining for your sister.
Thanks for answering the physics question. There are a variety of ways that you could explore that interest a little further. Do you like to do puzzles? I know that you mentioned jewelry at one point. Do you like doing stuff physically with your hands?
What if the answer isn't school at all? What if it were learning something technical like electrical repair or some thing else with your hands like a nail technician, someone who does hair or does sewing? Those are all very worthwhile, valuable jobs that don't require the same level of training. Best of all once you have saved a bit, you can move elsewhere and do them there. Many of those careers do make good salaries. They are in no way failure jobs.
Do I think you can do school? Absolutely. But right now it is scaring you. So expand your vision.
I read a great quote last night "The antidote to our self-doubt isn't thinking better of ourselves.; it's thinking bigger than ourselves. Our core values--principles like connection, honesty, integrity, creativity, curiosity, trust or others--get us connected to that something bigger."
But you still haven't mentioned getting outside. So three goals for tomorrow - answer my questions, get outside for 15 minutes, and call your therapist.@querencia798
Yes I do like doing stuff physically with my hands. Currently I am doing nothing. I have no idea about jobs. I feel like a loser there. I feel like I'm gonna remain a loser even after doing A-levels or completing graduation that is if I can.
I'll probably have a session on Monday. I'll go out for coaching tomorrow or the day after. It's taking time for me to get out of this acute depression. I have heard enough hurtful words from my sister. That she doesn't like me, I have been toxic to her and hurt her so it doesn't matter if I feel hurt a little too. That I have done irreparable damage to our relationship. That she doesn't want me in her life. That she doesnt wanna be my saviour or caregiver and wants nothing to do with me. Crying isn't coming. It should come. My tears have dried.
I have no idea about career. I wonder if I am just wasting my time and life. But there is nothing I can be led to other than through the support of education.
@querencia798 it was this message 👆 @bestVase7265
Thinking of you and sending even more peace tonight. No matter what you accomplished today you are still a worthy and good person. I will never judge you. I am just here to sit with you. @querencia798
Just letting you know that I am still here and I am not going anywhere. You survived the day whatever state you are in. That is a victory. Sending lots of hugs. @querencia798
Thank you. Please continue to be there. I need it. I hope you checked my last message.
Did I miss a message somewhere? The one at the bottom from February 9 just loaded in a weird place but I answered it earlier. I can't find anything else. But if I am missing a message that you want a response to, just post it at the bottom of the thread.
I hope that today was a little better. You are going to find a way out. Hopefully you are up and moving about more.
I am still here cheering you on. @querencia798
I hope that you had a chance to do some good breathing today to reset. You are stronger than you know. @querencia798
I went to the coaching centre today and talked. Maybe Business, Economics and Accounting are going to be my subjects. The teacher there tried to motivate me and encourage me seeing the look on my face. It shows on my face how depressed I am. He told me not to fear the books. Did it motivate me? Maybe, but in very least amounts. I am going through an acute depression. My depressive episodes are everyday. I dunno how am I gonna survive these two years. Or even after that if my dad doesn't allow me to go abroad. I'll have to depend on my results to get a scholarship. And that stresses me out. I dunno how I'm gonna pass these two years. Two whole years. They seem like a lot. I wish I could kick the A-levels away. I know I am being impatient. I have lots of pain.
Ok, sorry that I missed a night. I had a 14 hour work day yesterday and could not get online.
I am so glad that you got to the centre. You took a big first step. Continue to work on keeping yourself from looking down. You just look at the next step in front of you. That is how the two years passes more quickly. You are also learning new things all of that time. NONE of that is wasted. Learning is never wasted.
When I was deep in the hole, I wondered how I'd be able to teach the next class. Then I would go, teach, and survive. Slowly but surely I began to realize that I could do it in spite of myself. That's when things began to feel better.
Getting to work on all of this can actually start to heal your depression. But again, don't look down. Just take mini steps. Is there some kind of scholarship application that you have to fill out next? Or is there an application for the centre? What can you do tomorrow to start the slow process.
I am going to be with you for the entire journey. I have no trouble writing you almost every day for two years. You can do this. @querencia798
That's a big thing you said - writing to me for two years. I cannot thank you enough. I'll get admitted next week hopefully. My depression is still here. I'm going through an acute depression that is taking time for me to pass. Everyday after waking up, I feel depressed. I feel traumatised. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed.
My depression is still here too. I feel hurt, traumatized and betrayed as well. Depression has a nasty way of reemerging when I don't expect it. But then it also gets better again when I don't expect it. I count on that basic fact.
I know it is acute for you at the moment and I know you are in pain. I am sorry. But you are stronger than you know.
Let's focus on the tasks. So there is nothing you need to do right now in terms of getting admitted. Do you need to get the books? Do you have them yet?
Other key thing - are you getting outside daily? This is something that you need to force yourself to do. I know. I am right now pretty deep in the hole myself. I went outside anyway. Walking for 20 minutes didn't make things perfect. But it helped me survive the night and get just a little bit done. @querencia798
I have the books. I'll go to my coaching class thrice a week. That much feels overwhelming itself. I wish I was done with this dtage of life and move forward. I feel overwhelmed and sad that I haven't crossed A-levels yet. I'm in depression, impatient and constantly fearing A-levels. I dunno what will happen to me in months.
I am going to put my comments in a new thread down below so things don't get too squished.
@querencia798
I know that you put an arrow towards the message that I missed but then when I started answering where the arrow was disappeared. So I am still not sure where that missing message is. Sorry about that. @querencia798
@querencia798 Thank you.
@querencia798 Have a great year!
Ok, so one of the big things that you need to do right now is stop looking at the larger picture. Ignore the past and the future. They are just depressing and scaring you.
Only focus on the present. What you did today and what you will do tomorrow. I know where your brain wants to take you and you may end up there occasionally. But let's start to wrestle parts of the day away from that web of doom, shall we?
So you have the books now, correct? It is time to start opening them. Spend about 15 minutes per book (spread it out across the day) looking at the table of contents. How is each book organized? Where do you go to find answers to questions? Are there pictures and diagrams? That's it. You are expected to know NOTHING that is inside the books at the moment. Don't let any words you don't know or problems that they ask you to solve scare you. You can even do just one book a day for the next three days. Report to me what you see.
This will be a major step forward to just do that. And as I will say every day, get outside for 15 minutes to just be.
I tried that earlier. They start scaring me if I open them alone. Maybe in classes, with notes I may start to understand them. Today I wanted to be in bed all day and I was but sleep was done for the day and I wanted to sleep more but instead got trapped into circular thinking and feeling overwhelmed because of A-levels.
I'm constantly trying to accept that A-levels is my destiny and I have to cross it but these fears and overwhelmed mode don't go away.
Ok, you need to get out of bed and get outside for a bit. Keep working up to doing that.
Have you scheduled a therapy appointment yet? It sounds like you could really use a session. You want to be in the best possibly emotional space when you start. You cannot do that from bed. Staying in bed is seriously making you worse. I know what I am asking is hard.
And I am going to suggest you try opening the books again. Just one. Just 15 minutes. They may have scared you last time. It doesn't mean they will scare you this time. You can do anything for 15 minutes. Try every day until you can get to 15 minutes. Maybe it is just 5 minutes day one. Therapists call it exposure therapy. This will absolutely keep the first few days of classes from being too overwhelming.
Not thinking about the past. Not worrying about the future. Lots of deep breathing. You can do this.@querencia798
Still thinking of you today. If you struggled today it's okay. You can start fresh tomorrow. @querencia798
Just know that I am still thinking about you. I am not going anywhere. You are worthy and you are cared about. @querencia798
Sending peace and good thoughts today. You are regularly on my mind. @querencia798
You can do this. Keep breathing and hoping. @querencia798
Another day of peace and strength coming your way. @querencia798
I am still right here thinking about you. @querencia798
Know that you are thought of and cared about. You will find a way through whatever comes next. @querencia798
Thank you so much, Dawn. I'm struggling but trying to continue my studies for A-levels. I went to my doctor. He changed my meds. Let's see.
So glad to hear from you.
You know that you have to be patient with those meds. They will kick in over few weeks.
Have you started classes yet? Do you want some help strategizing anything? @querencia798
I have started my business classes. Going through recorded lectures. Dawn, I need some help even tho I have started A-levels, and since you are a professor, you can understand my dilemma.
Would you suggest A-levels or GED for me? I still don't know what I wanna do in my future. GED is accepted in some Malaysian universities and only 1 university in Bangladesh. Australia and Canada have stopped accepting GED, which is alarming because one day, you might hear even Malaysia has stopped accepting GED. If I want to start GED, I need to hurry. But my narcissistic father prefers the traditional method of studying A-levels. GED keeps some doors open while A-levels will keep all doors open. And he wants to send me abroad 2 years later. I don't know what should I do. I don't want to end up with bad grades in A-level after 2 years only to take GED (if it is still valid then) and say I have wasted two years studying A-levels. I know I am seeming like a girl who doesn't wanna put in hard work in A-levels and is always trying to opt for alternative routes but the course content overwhelms me. I'm always thinking about the exam and how little I know. Is it better to focus on ged and tiptoe around a narcissistic father to send me abroad or forget everything completely and focus on A-levels that are accepted everywhere and opens all doors? But I feel undercomfident. And about that 1 university in Bangladesh I was talking about, there might not be a course which I'd want to study and I don't even know what I am gonna study in future. I need career counselling. I need to some guidance and advise. GED or A-levels. Tell me bluntly. I would be lying if I said that taking GED would save me from A-levels and feels like a relief but there are other factors involved like my father, the risky nature of GED itself, and that finances lie in the hand of my father.
I understand your concerns, but much of it is based in fear. I do truly believe that you can learn the business stuff just fine. You are smart. You never thought you would do well on your previous set of exams and you did just fine. The same is going to happen here. Go from your previous school experience.
Now, you can do one more last thing regarding the GED route before you should abandon it and put it out of your mind: go and talk to one of the A-level tutoring people about what they think the possibilities of the GED are. Only if they push for them in your case would I go for them. There is a reason why the GED is not as accepted. It doesn't show how bright you are.
Open up the doors for yourself with the A-levels. Two years is NOT a long time. It will go by quickly because you will be focused. You will actually be spending less time thinking about your dad already because you have new facts and ideas to learn. It can actually be fun in parts.
I will be here every night to give study advice if you need it. So what are you looking at first? Focus just on what is directly in front of you. @querencia798
Fear, yes. I could do the previous set of exams also because the subjects were known to me. I haven't even touched economics yet. And I'm not changing subjects. Business, Economics and Law will be as it is because the rest of the subjects are way harder. Also, another thing is, Dawn, that disinterest is working inside me which is scary. Why is disinterest working? You know, ever since 4th grade I have been forced to get study gaps. Everytime I would have to struggle and catch up, struggle and catch up. I could do it till 10th grade (Igcses). Now it feels like all my patience is gone. I'm done. Because how much can one tolerate in my circumstances. I feel angry at my dad for wasting my 1 year. He could have told me earlier. And also at myself, maybe I was too rigid to do them and now it has come to bite my ***. Am I bad person? Is it my fault for trusting and waiting? I ask this to myself everyday. As I was saying, my disinterest needs to go. I need to accept A-levels as my destiny.
The thing is, if I ask about ged to one of my teachers, they'll probably laugh at me.
Today I'm feeling a bit more depressed and tired than the last 2 days.
Ok, I am going to try posting this in a different way.
I keep writing a perfectly normal message and then it won't let me post it.
I think that you are disinterested because you are mad at your dad. That is perfectly normal considering what he has done.
So you need to work on reframing things. What you are doing now in studying is how you are going to get out from under his control. Studying leads to escape.
It will take a bit, but when your brain starts seeing it that way then you move forward. Avoid thinking about the past.
Every night tell me a little bit about what you learned that day. It will help you to become more interested.
So are you just doing the business at the moment or all the subjects? You will end up liking certain ones more than others. That's okay too.
Disinterest because I'm mad at him, maybe, but Dawn, also because I'm drained. For a decade of getting study gaps and having to cover material and catch up. I dunno how to break out of this. Yesterday and today I've been having depression and brain fog. I didn't go through any recorded lectures of Business. Economics I still haven't got admitted in. When my doctor changed medicines, my dad went to his hometown and said to me to take rest until he comes back.
Dawn, I feel like a failure. For not crossing school's boundary yet. I cry everyday. I feel nostalgic of the past. When I was so happy, who knew that that Anika would be suffering this much today. I feel depressed, and it's harder to explain that to anybody. I dunno how to win. You know some weeks back I talked to 2 students who did their IGCSEs, and then ged and went to Malaysia to study. I feel jealous of them, because I wish I could also do that. But my dad doesn't agree. I want to talk to him again. Maybe that's pathetic. I don't see myself doing the A-level work which is scary. I would be freaking out but medicines have kept me tamed.
You are not a failure. Today is a new day to try again. By crossing the boundary do you mean listening to the lecture or do you mean going to the school itself?
None of this is going to be easy no matter what kinds of exams you are studying for. But you don't need to let the depression stop you. You are going to win not it. That's also what my psychiatrist said to me today because I am having to increase medication after 5-6 years of being stable because I am not sleeping well and life is really piling on a shitload of bad stuff at the moment. He called me a gladiator. You are one too. There is only one secret. Getting back up once you get knocked down. You can do that and there is no timeline where you suddenly become a failure because you haven't done it.
So if you need to start watching lectures, watch 10-20 minutes of one to start. Cross the threshold and start the process. You can do that. Don't listen to your dad about taking a rest. The time to start trying is now. You are going to feel better about yourself once you do. @querencia798
Maybe I shouldn't listen to my dad, but trust me Dawn I'm not lying about the brain fog and depression. For five years, I had held on to doing foundation but A-levels were dropped on to me. This is a huge change and I am far less resilient. I can go to the coaching centre or watch lectures online. It's upto me. I can't even bring myself to watch that because I'm so depressed. I feel grief. My medicines have kept much of it tamed but I need support. Maybe I'll start watching the lectures again. But despite you, Anya - another friend, I feel lonely in my path just like everyone else. You know I got immensely hyper last night and kept banging my head and hands on the wall because I was thinking of all the hardwork I am gonna have to do for 2 years which I don't see myself doing and because I have a lot of unexpressed anger towards my sister who left no stone to insult and abuse me (I'm not talking to her anymore) and abandoned me whereas she was the one who fuelled the foundation dream in me. I'm sorry, Dawn that it's taking time for me to start running. I feel clueless.
I wanna tell you one more thing. Some weeks back, I talked to 2 students who did their Igcses, and then ged and then went to Malaysia. I feel jealous of them, Dawn. I do. I wish I had an escape route from the A-levels. People will keep causing me study gaps and I'd have to keep filling them up huh? For how long? Maybe this time my energy has drained and I have no more to give for A-levels.
You have your thoughts going in a bad loop and you know it. I know what the brain fog is like and the depression too. I am there right now in that hole with you. I suffer from them as well. There are times when I feel like I can't move. But if I force myself things get better.
I am not getting done all that I need too because I end up stuck in tangents rather than doing the work right in front of me. You CANNOT think about the past or the future. Only the present matters. Your sister doesn't matter right now. Your plans that your father squashed don't matter either.
I know how lonely it feels but you aren't by yourself, okay? You are with other people who are going to help you.
As I said last night, you are going to feel SO MUCH better with watching 10-20 minutes of one of the videos. That is all I am suggesting for tomorrow. That you can do. I want to know exactly what the video was about. That is all you need to do. You can absolutely do that. Be brave for a mini-window. You are stronger than you know. @querencia798
You are not alone. You are going to find energy. Take the first mini step. @querencia798
Sending beautiful hugs and hope this evening. @querencia798
Still thinking about you and sending courage your way. I am not going anywhere. You deserve a good future and you are going to find it. @querencia798
Still here. You are going to find the energy for new things. I know it. @querencia798