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i feel so humilated and angry and god know what else. i love drawing since i was a kid, it was my hobby, i remember being 11yo and drawing my OCs for fnaf and creepypasta roleplay. god, i loved doing it, it bringed me so much fun and joy. as i grew older ive became more apathetic to everything, my mental health changed drastically and i noticed i wanted to be always the best at everything. i wanted to be admired, to be cheered by people, to be above everyone else even though i was insecure and my self esteem was low. ive started comparing myself to other people, how they were drawing, how good it looked, how creative they were. it was killing me and i was always getting so angry because of that.
i was drawing today my OC in my sketchbook. i did a drawing few weeks ago that was amazing, i loved it immediately and posted it everywhere - i wanted people to look at it and tell me how good it was. it didnt get too much attention from people but i still liked it and was proud. now, ive been drawing like hour ago. it turned out so ugly, proportions were bad, face looked plane, ive struggled with drawing expresions. i turned angry in second and i destroyed half of my sketchbook with empty pages under, my pencil broke into pieces. even though i know i didnt practice in the past, that i need to actually sit and study in case to get better, i find it boring and i cant force myself to do it. i live in a constant boredom and i need to do exciting things in case to actually feel something.
my previous psychologist told me something about me being on aspd spectrum but idk, i feel like a kid when i dont get attention. my family was always laughing at my hobbies, making fun of me and telling me i was weird for my interests or ignoring me or yelling for disturbing their time. kids at my school were also making fun of my hobbies and look since i had more weight than other, skinny kids. it was time when watching anime was considered cringe and games like fnaf and undertale came out. i watched anime? bad. i played games? bad. i played volleyball? bad. bad, bad, bad. everything was always bad and cringe and funny to others. ive became an outsider and didnt tell people about my hobbies. ive put my mask on, got ED and suddenly, people loved me.
ive changed. i look masculine, i work out, i have great body, perfect haircut now. a lot of people find me attractive, they admire me. im trans and people get so shocked when they find it out, telling me they thought im cis. but whenever i feel like sharing about my interests, people start avoiding me. bro, is it really that bad i have my ocs? i love talking about them, some has such cool backstories and characters. i like showing them my drawings, because if someone actually show they care about my words, then even the worst drawing doesnt look too bad in my eyes. they like me for my mask, not for this weird little kid constantly running circles in my mind.
i feel so insecure about myself in every *** way, yet i feel like im better than others. i want to share about things i like, i want to have someone that wouldnt laugh about it and actually care and put some effort into listening to me. i feel like a neglected kid that has to hide his weirdness and put a show in front of everyone to be accepted.
ive been mirroring people for years now. i am different with my two bestfriends, different with my brother, different with my grandparents, different with coworkers. if i mirror them then they like me, they find me funny and so cool. they tell me im charismatic, funny, intelligent. but they dont like my inner child. i can tell i play video games as my hobby, but i shouldnt tell them too much about these games or ill get weird for them. i can tell ive played volleyball for 5 years but had to quit due to shoulder damage, but i cant tell them how excited i was even though no one else came and i was alone with my coach there, how ive been playing non stop, dreaming about being a professional volleyball player as an adult.
if i tell you about my ocs and you dont pay attention, dont encourage me into telling more about them, i get angry. i wont talk about it anymore. please, god, please just listen to me, ask, get excited with me. i dont even remember 90% of my childhood. but i remember that ive been hurt enough to lose empathy, to have sick vision for the world, to get egoistic, to not care about losing others, to manipulate others for my own good. i got hurt enough that now i need validations and attention from others.
the first time i went to psychiatrist when i was 15yo. they thought i might have bipolar disorder so theyve been treating and giving me pills as if i had it. and before my 19th birthday, ive been diagnosed with. ive had social anxiety due to my gender dysphoria and once ive got hormones it all dissapeared because i felt comfortable in my body.
im turning 21 this year and i just dont know anything. i dont know if i have my own personality, i dont know how to find friends because i just get so bored of them quickly. i would like to get a boyfriend but once guys find out im trans, they end the convo and block me, lol. most guys that talk to me are some skinny, feminine guys but they just not my type, i prefer muscular guys with masc features and short hair. my previous relationship was doing great, i was the perfect boyfriend because she was loyal to me and never hurt me before- if anyone is loyal to me then i will give them the same energy, i dont hunt for people like hungry wolf or something. but we had to break up because she found out shes trans and once she told me that, switch in my mind worked and ive lost any interest towards her, realizing im not bisexual. ive talked with her, she cried but i couldnt, i just didnt feel anything. it just didnt work out, nothing scary, *** happens yk.
i had a bestfriend for 9 years, we had the same hobbies, we had ocs and we even did roleplay with them. dude, we were like inseparable, weve talked everyday. but he started getting on my nerves. he has borderline personality disorder and to me, his problems were lame. he was so emotional and empathetic while i was completely different. he eventually sent me a long ahh message about ending the friendship because he coulndt be friend with someone without empathy, someone that treat people like they are objects (he meant one guy ive been seeing that after 6 days of chatting we met and he tried to kiss me after the long day of annoying and getting on my nerves with my clear words about stopping it. when he tried to kiss me and held me in place so i couldnt escape ive just yelled at him and threatened him from anger). i told him i understand and thats pretty much it lol.
everything is so chaotic because i just felt the urge to talk about everything i had in my mind. i feel much better now after 40 minutes of typing everything i had in my mind. sex drugs n rocknroll sigmas
